Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
