i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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