why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
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I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
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well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
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