Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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