Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
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but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
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Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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