Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
