Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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