I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
