Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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