dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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