Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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