Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
