my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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