I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
