My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
