Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
