just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
