i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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