the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
