Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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