When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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