I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
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Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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