im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
