It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
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This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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