shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
