Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
