did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
