I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
