even my farts smell like vagina
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
