i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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