She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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