i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
