If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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