I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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