Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
