In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
