i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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