I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
