Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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