I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
