please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
