apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
