I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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