I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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