remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
