we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
