mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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