ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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