shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
