Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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