I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
