dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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