some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
