I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
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I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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