I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
