Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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