i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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